8 1/2 Tips for Raising Creative Kids

 I saw this blog post shared a few times on my Facebook and it was titled "20 Ways to Keep Toddlers Busy".  I clicked on it because I have a toddler who makes schooling the older ones IMPOSSIBLE!   Some of the suggestions were decent, although I haven't tried any.  Nothing seems to keep my youngest happier than the food processor or blender.   What shocked me and actually made me sad was this suggestion: "Tape off a section of the floor for them to sit in. Also tape a spot where you place a bucket of toys. Have them stay in the taped off section for play time. This may take some training, so start off trying this for a few minutes at a time." The taped off section looks like it's 

3ft X 4ft, but I'm being honest when I say it could be smaller.  I'm not sure what this world has come to when we tape off sections on a floor for our children to be "trained" to stay in - but that's NOT childhood, and that's not what creates a healthy mind & body.  My toddlers are wonderful creative little people, and even when they are being horrific I still couldn't imagine "training" them to stay still.  Yikes!  I'm not trying to bash this blog (although it seems that's what I'm doing), but why bother having kids if you aren't going to enjoy the hee-haw out of them?  Have fun, be light, and love your creative little people like no one else can!

One of our creative breakfasts!  I give the kids a heap of fresh fruit on a plate and they arrange it on wooden skewers.  It's great occupational therapy for my son with cerebral palsy, and my kindergarten aged littles LOVE making patterns and designs with the fruit.  

8 1/2 Tips for Raising Creative Kids

1. Turn off the tv (and other electronic devices).  Make sure they know it's not an option until a set time.  Ours is right after lunch for 40 minutes (I feel that's too long and we skip it a lot), and one before bed - usually 40 minutes again, but sometimes I let them watch a full movie which can be over an hour.  It depends on how much laundry I'm folding.  

2.  Let them be bored!  Unless your house is nothing but four walls - they won't be "bored" for long.  When buying toys for your little ones - try to find ones that demand creativity.  Toys that don't move on their own, have flashy lights and songs, and do all the thinking for them.  If you hate the thought of glue and construction paper all over your house - have a craft bag or box and designated area for them to do arts in.  Sometimes the two worlds overlap… like when the boys made guns out of construction paper and chased each other around the house, but that didn't make too big of a mess.  I also like to send my kids outside and let them know they won’t be coming in for a certain amount of time (usually a 2 hour minimum).  Play.  Climb.  Fight.  Get filthy.  Eat worms.  Be kids.  

3. Require more.  Little people have great ideas if you give them the chance to need to be resourceful.  All my children have chores - and their creativity in executing them is astounding at times.  Yes, sometimes it leads to me finding things out of place - like a certain someone's book collection under the bear claw tub - but, really, it was a pretty good idea (just don't tell him that).  The point is, if you don't ask your children to do anything challenging they won't need to creatively problem solve.  This doesn’t just mean assigning chores - it means, let them figure stuff out!  You don’t have to read their instruction manual and put their Lego together perfectly.  Let them make a mess of it, or read the manual and do it perfectly.  The point is, let THEM.  

4. Be an example!  Don't be afraid for your kids to catch you boogieing down in the kitchen when a great song comes on the radio, (or Songza these days).  You'll also have to turn off the tv, allow yourself to "be bored" (i.e. put down the cell!), and find ways to incorporate creativity into your every day life.  A few of my personal rules are:  1.  No “grown up” tv until everyone is in bed, not even the news.  2. “Forget” your cell.  A lot.  Don’t take it on walks.  Don’t take it for hikes.  Definitely forget it on dates or special trips.  I know you hate people who look at their screens when you’re talking to them - don’t do it to your kids.  3. Remember who you love and treat them accordingly.  Don’t put on nice faces for strangers and let your kids get the ugliest version of you.  Let your kids get the fun, loving, patient, generous self and if there’s nothing left - the strangers, coworkers, and acquaintances can suffer - not your kids.  The thing is, if you live a true life with your children and don’t “fake it” when you’re out, you will have more than enough happiness to share with non-family.  Trust me.  Love and happiness multiply.

5. Encourage, compliment and criticize (constructively).  My son loves to sit and plunk at the piano.  He creates songs from his head that are beautiful and are actually acoustically pleasing.  I compliment his playing, but also encourage him to do his scales, try new songs, and to try to create different sounding songs.  Creativity doesn't have to be expressed in the arts.  My 5 year old is the most imaginative kid I have ever met.  He wears costumes for days.  Not costumes you'd find in a store or on tv either.  Costumes he's created, and corresponds with the superhero (or super villain) he's also dreamt up.  He will tell me so many details (too many details) about his character's home, family, motives, powers, weaknesses, etc. and it's all from HIM.  If he creates a feature that doesn't quite make sense, I challenge him on it.  Sometimes he comes up with a good explanation but other times, my asking questions helps him see that it doesn't work and he needs to figure something else out.  Our culture seems to praise kids without adding the constructive criticism part.  Yes, your child did a great job - but there is always room for improvement, and let them know that… gently. 

6. Unschedule.  Just do it.  Let your kids find THEIR own interests.  Your child may love math, chess, dancing, reading - but you will never know if you let them waste their youth on video games, YTV and schedule every last minute of their day.  Children join and quit activities and parents shell out hundreds of dollars hoping their child will find their niche.  Stop signing them up for stuff, give them actual FREE time (for a long time too) and see what they naturally like and are good at.  

PS - Don't make being a professional, or a star the objective.  Just because your son started hockey doesn't mean his goal should be to play in the NHL.  Your daughter can sing, that's great - but being famous should never be the goal.  You get the picture - just let your children be children for goodness' sake and stop making money and fame the goal for everything!

7. They aren't you.  I have never seen a kid in public wearing something ridiculous and thought the parent was to blame.  If your child is wearing a costume mid-June - AWESOME!  And way to go for not making them wear what YOU think is trendy and acceptable.  Obviously we have to draw lines at certain times, but your child is not YOU.  Kids look like mini adults most of the time, but where is the fun in that?  I can't hang out with my friends with a fake sword shoved down a belt that isn't even looped in to pants - but my kids can.  This carefree part of life is so short.  Messy hair, mismatched clothes, the same backpack for a few years..... let them decide, creatively, for themselves, how they want to present themselves.  Personally, I spent a good year or more wearing the SAME white sweatshirt with pink and purple triangles and pandas on the front.  I loved that sweatshirt.  It made me feel empowered because I loved pandas and wanted the world to know.  Our kids reflect us - they do, you can hear it in the way the talk to others or how they tackle goals, but they aren't mini versions of us.  Let your kid wear their panda sweatshirt.  

8. Just say no to branding.  Seriously!  What the heck are we doing plastering a kids room in Winnie the Pooh or Tinkerbell before they're even born?  We have lost our ever-loving minds.  Globally, we are facing issues with our youth and their feelings of entitlement.  What could make someone feel more entitled than attaching their entire personality to a BRAND!?!  This isn't just about entitlement - it's about developing a personality that is authentic.  Cornering our young people into the mainstream personality types are not only stifling their creativity, but it's creating masses of depressed and drugged children.  Yes, trends won't last forever BUT the entitlement to "things" just changes brands, it doesn't go away once you've embedded it.   I've seen kid after kid have their every whim indulged based on the newest trend.  Hannah Montana and Justin Bieber bed sheets didn't create themselves - WE created a demand for them.  Please, oh please just neutralize the branding and buy plain t-shirts* and plain sheets and backpacks without a TM.   

1/2.  STOP LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE.  Yes, I know how ironic that is.  What I really mean is stop listening to the wrong people.  Every family is different.  Something that works for my family won’t always work for yours.  If you have someone telling you what you “should” be doing with or for your children and it does not sit well with you, or you don’t want it for your child - just don’t do it.  For a family to be healthy, it needs to work for the family -  not for everyone outside of it.  If you don’t like condoning violence, don’t put your child in karate just because all your friend’s kids are.  If you hated piano lessons more than ANYTHING don’t enrol your child just because your parents insist you continue the tradition of music.  Keep them home, put them in after school activities, do what works for your family - BUT, and this is a big but (haha, big butt)…. it needs to be right for you AND your child.  I hear/read parents supporting other parents by spitting out the painfully common phrase “do what's best for you” or "do what works for you".  Well, that’s why we have so many darned issues folks.  You had kids, and while they shouldn’t rule the roost they certainly can’t be ignored.  Do what’s best for your whole family - parents AND children.  

This isn't one of the tips, but we need to really focus on WHO we are raising.  Are you raising a consumer?  Someone who gets every new trendy thing?  Are you raising a competitor?  Someone who will put others down so he can be the very best?  Are you raising someone who feels unimportant and small?  Someone who has never had anyone have a REAL relationship with them?  Yup, there are lots of days where we parents just try to eek by and make it to the next day, and that might include hilarious amounts of extra iPad time - but every day can't be like that.  

We have to invest in these people we brought into this world.  Invest time and relationship.  

Do it.  Just do it. 

 Or don't. 

 Get angry and write a mean response to my stupidly innocent blog post and waste precious time you could be hanging' with your littles.  

Oh man, that was a joke.  I hope you aren't writing angrily now.... 

PS All my kids are in bed.  So don't even try flipping that on me.  

Guess what?  That's all I've got.  

*I have definitely indulged my boys in second hand t-shirts when they are mental for something.  I justify it by saying I get it AFTER they've already liked something, but it's really the same thing as what I'm suggesting we stop doing.  I didn't say I was perfect, but I still stand by the principle.  I actually did stop buying any brands or logos on shirts (Mario, Superman, etc) a little over a year ago, and they haven't even noticed yet.*

My delightful husband and proofreader said I need to add an extra tip, so if you're still reading here's Ron's Bonus Tip: Yell at your kids.  A lot.  Having a healthy fear forces creativity.  The child needs to be creative for several survival reasons.  1. They can creatively dance around your intense mood swings so as not to disturb the dragon.  2. They are so miserable they create a fantasy life that is based entirely in the land of make believe.  3. Being afraid will encourage a quiet creativity that doesn't disturb the perfect life you had before all these little people started pooping, crying and making messes in your house 24 hours a day.  So.... don't forget the bonus tip; yell at your kids!

My name is Sharon, and my son has Cerebral Palsy.

I recently watched a Ted Talk featuring a comedienne who has cerebral palsy.  The talk is entitled Maysoon Zayid: I got 99 problems... palsy is just one.

Maysoon Zayid.
I do not own rights to this photograph

Maysoon is funny and well spoken.  Although the point of her talk was for the disabled to be fairly represented in the media - it was a different part that stuck.  When she spoke these words, it clung to my heart and I instantly felt like my innards were simultaneously drying into sponge and melting into biochemical waste.  Ever feel like that?   "Humans on the internet are scumbags…  suddenly my disability on the world wide web was fair game."  She mentioned that she was never made fun of as a child or an adult, and it has only been in the online world that people have ridiculed her.   "The doctors said that I wouldn't walk but I am here in front of you.  However if I grew up with social media, I don't think I would be.  I hope that together we can create more positive images of disability in the media and in every day life.  Perhaps if there were more positive images it would foster less hate on the internet." 

Why did this make my stomach turn?  Because I have more children in my home with disabilities than without.  

More WITH disabilities than without.  Out of my 6 children, four are living with  disabilites.  Some are more visible and noticeable than others, but all are very real and affect every facet of their lives. What have I done to help make the world more accepting and kind for them?  

Nothing.  

I love them fiercely.  I do all the "Mom" things I'm supposed to do, and then some.  I've been so busy loving them I didn't realize I needed to shoo the wolves waiting at our front door.    

Maysoon's talk turned a light on for me.  We (parents) used to only have the ability to prepare our young for the world - but now, with social media and the world wide inter web, we can also help prepare the world.  Even if it falls on deaf ears, we can try.  I have a responsibility to make this world a little more kind for my children who will ultimately leave my home and make their own way.  

I will try to impart to you how amazing they are, and hopefully you can share that enthusiasm with your family and friends.  Slowly, we can change attitudes toward disabilities and the online world will begin to reflect that shift.  

Because Maysoon has it, I'm going to start with Cerbral Palsy.  

Cerebral Palsy is a disorder caused by an "insult" to the brain.  It literally breaks down as cerebral = "of the brain" and palsy = "lack of muscle control".  CP can look very different from person to person.  Some people can walk, while others can't.  Some have normal or higher than normal IQ and some have intellectual delays.  It can affect one side of the body or both sides.  People with cerebral palsy (a neurological disorder) are often found to have other neurological problems such as seizures, vision/hearing problems, abnormal pain/touch perceptions, etc.  

My 8 year old son has cerebral palsy. 

Anyone who knows him, knows that he is truly a special human being.  Living with his disability has made him incredibly sensitive, perceptive and kind.  I'd also like to point out that he is so COOL.  I was a total dweeb when I was young.  Yes, I still am - that's ok.   Not him.  As I like to say (in a terrible British accent) "He's got the cool."

 RJ Mitte
I do not own rights to this photograph

When I started watching Breaking Bad, I was ENTHRALLED to see a young man on television with cerebral palsy.  RJ Mitte is handsome, talented and the perfect example of someone living with mild cerebral palsy. 

The internet is a great power.  It really is.  Imagine explaining the internet to any previous generation.  They would call it witchcraft!  You can instantly talk to people around the world, you have access to any and all information, you can even send money with it.  Witchcraft I tells ya!   

The point is, the internet is a great power that can be used to do extensive damage.  It can also be a light in the dark.  A place where people living with or affected by disabilities can support and love each other.  If you live with someone with a disability, or you ARE someone living with a disability - be a light in the darkness.  Make the internet a place for people with disabilities to find comfort and strength.  Make it a place where people can learn about labels and find out what is behind them.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." -Martin Luther King Jr.

With all of that being said…. let me share.    

When I first delivered my son, they laid his 10lb 2oz body on my chest.  I started proclaiming that the Guinness Book of World Records needed to be called, because I just delivered the biggest baby EVER!  (He was my smallest by the way). 

I felt that newborn on my skin, breathed him in and discovered a place of wonder I didn't know existed.  My midwife noticed he wasn't breathing.  Within seconds my birth room was flooded with an absolute mob of medical staff.  I can't remember where my husband was.  My Dad started watching the clock.  My mother's face went blank.  My baby was blue.  The midwife began distracting me by explaining every detail of the placenta.  

The high from naturally delivering a child, mixed with the energies of countless people fighting to save his life left me not understanding anything that was going on.  I felt high.  I heard voices.  Beeps.  There was a small window between two people where I could see my son, lifelessly being suctioned.  

The hushed, stern voices were suddenly loud.  "He's breathing" echoed in the room and he was wheeled out.  He swallowed meconium during the birth process and it obstructed his airway.  We spent 11 days in the NICU and after many tests were sent home.  

I clung to that child.  He was never away from me.  In a sling to do the dishes.  Bathing with me in a lukewarm tub. In a sling for walks.  Nursing for hours.  It didn't matter, he was alive and I would appreciate absolutely every moment with him.  He might be the only baby my husband never got to spend any time with, I just wouldn't let him go. 

My delightful, remarkable, wonderful son

When it was first suggested my son might have cerebral palsy, I refused to accept it as a possibility.  My perfect child - who was smart, funny and the absolute light of my life couldn't be handicapped.  

I know.  That was my own pride.  My own guilt.  If he had CP, I was somehow responsible.   

I refused to acknowledge it could be cerebral palsy; however,  I could see he had difficulties and that he needed help.  He began therapy to help with his fine motor skills, gross motor skills and speech.  The therapies began and the reports pointed to the obvious.  I read the first round of assessments and cried.  3%, 11%, 5%…. something was wrong, he was not just quirky.  

He had an MRI scan to confirm the suspected diagnosis, and everything was solidified a year or two after therapy began.  

My son had cerebral palsy.  

He was STILL perfect. He was still smart, funny and the light of my life.  

He has friends.  He plays games.  He reads.  He bothers (tortures) his brothers and sisters.  He goes to karate.  He even inspired another set of parents to enrol their son with cerebral palsy in karate. 

He is more than the son I thought I gave birth to.  

He is so much more BECAUSE of his disability.  If he can't physically accomplish something, he keeps trying until he finds a way.  If he can't make a modification, he just keeps trying.  His first year at summer camp, he couldn't stay on his horse for more than 30 seconds without excruciating pain.  He kept getting back on.*  This past summer was his fourth year at camp and he was riding his horse with the other children for the whole lesson without a difference between him and the other children.  They even had to give him trouble for making the horse go too fast!

Your son or daughter with Cerebral Palsy IS the talented, smart, loveable child you wished for.  

I won't say that your friend, neighbour or family member with cerebral palsy is the same as you.  The same as "the rest of us".  He isn't.  She isn't.  If you're our neighbour, you live next to a little boy who struggles to swallow, hold pencils, put gloves on, can't do buttons or zippers, who wakes up in agony because his legs are cramped, who can't move his tongue in a circle like you can (and speaks with an impediment because of it), who can't stop his arms and hands from twitching, and who can't straighten his fingers even when his karate teacher is really hounding him to (hello - karate chop!).  He is nowhere near the same as you.  He is a little boy who sees people with bigger disabilities and doesn't stare or gawk.  He talks to them like a person - not like a pet, or an invalid.  He sees people beyond their abilities or disabilities.  

People living with cerebral palsy struggle to do the things we take for granted, every day.  They need friendship, support and respect.  The last thing they need is criticism or bullying.    Talk about disabilities with your children, your co workers, your family.  It's not a dirty secret that we aren't allowed to discuss - get it out there and make it accepted!

Disabilites aren't something to hide, they are something to explore and understand.  We are ALL different - it's just that some of us get labels and some of us don't.  


*He kept getting back on because he had the support he needed.  The camp director gave him the horse with the least amount of girth.  Staff discretely helped him up and down without the other children knowing he was struggling.  He was praised for each improvement he made and encouraged to continue trying.  If he was allowed to skip horseback riding because of his disability he still wouldn't be able to ride to this day.  He took strength from the encouragement he received and combined it with his desire to be like the other kids and accomplished something I truly didn't think he could.  Good thing I didn't let on!  My attitude is just as important as his.  So is yours.  If you know someone with Cerebral Palsy and aren't sure how to interact with them, encourage them, discipline them, please visit the Ontario Federation for Cerebral Palsy.  http://www.ofcp.ca/index.php

Be Glad it's YOU

I've had two babies in the NICU.  The trauma of seeing your beautiful newborn attached to life support, breathing apparatus, IV's in every appendage, can leave a wound that never truly heals.

My darling boy at 3-4 weeks

While my second NICU baby was hospitalized, I felt angry every time I saw a healthy baby.  Every time I saw a pregnant woman.  I would instantly judge them, and think to myself - they don't deserve their baby as much as I do.

It's hard to admit that's what I thought, but it's the truth.  My brain and my heart aren't always in synch.

I would see a newborn crying in their carseat in the grocery store and want to take the child out, comfort him/her and scold the mother for not knowing how lucky she was.  I would see pregnant women outside the hospital smoking, and want to scream "I did everything right and have a sick child - your child will probably be healthy and you don't even care enough to quit smoking!!!"

These thoughts didn't help me.  I knew they were wrong, and tried being extra kind to the women I was secretly loathing.  Kindness is always the answer, by the way.

I'm writing this to say to all the Mothers like me, I'm glad it was you.  I'm glad it was me.  

A week after being discharged from the NICU we were back in the hospital with heart failure.  When I was in the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) there was a darling little girl in the room next to us.  During our 8 day stay, I saw her mother once.  She was there for half an hour.   That precious 11 month old girl was in a crib, in her room, by herself - 24 hours a day.  No Mommy singing to her.  No one letting her out of her crib to play with the toys that littered the room like a sad reminder of the life she should have been having.  Nurses would chat with her when they were checking stats, administering meds, etc. but they were busy with so many patients they couldn't devote much time to her.  

A volunteer came to my room, offering to cuddle my baby if I wanted to leave for a shower or take a lunch break.  I politely declined, but asked why she wouldn't be in the room next door with the little one who was always on her own.  She informed me that her mother forbid others to go in and play with her daughter.  She didn't want anyone else bonding with her little girl.  

I cried.

I stayed with my baby, night and day, and my other children would come visit us during the day.  Their hearts broke for the little girl next door.  She was in isolation, but that didn't stop them from standing at her door singing songs, and dancing to entertain her.  My two year old had to be pulled from that doorway.  Forced away.  She wanted to sing and play peek-a-boo non-stop with the baby on her own.  My older sons cried for her, unable to understand how something so wrong could be allowed in plain view. 

I'm not sharing this with you because there was a happy ending.  I don't know what happened to that little girl.  I'm sharing this with you to help ease the struggle some of us with sick children have.  Be glad it's you.  A Mom who puts everything on hold to care for their poorly child.  A Mom who cares enough to sit sleeping upright in uncomfortable hospital chairs.  A Mom who is there to listen to doctors, specialists, nutritionists, nurses on how they feel your little one is doing.  

Be thankful that a sick child, who needs love more than ever, has YOU.  

It's hard to hold down a little arm while a needle goes in.  It's heartbreaking to watch a little one be sedated to help them deal with the pain they are experiencing.  It's physically exhausting to tend to the needs of someone who is helpless, letting your needs come secondary or not at all.  

It's more difficult to know that there are children without a Mom like you.  Alone for bedtime.  Alone for needles.  Alone for doctors coming in and out.  

Take a deep breath Mommies.  You are the best thing that ever happened to your child.  You know them better than any doctor, you care for them better than any nurse, and you love them like no other.  Be thankful your child has you, and keep up the good work.  

- I know there are many fathers who can relate to this, who care for their children when they are sick.  My husband is one of those fathers.  I am not trying to exclude you.  I wanted to address moms.  There is something deep within the heart of a mother that feels responsible for their child being sick.  Something we ate during pregnancy.  Something we did.  Something we thought!  Secretly festering in the depths of our hearts is the fear that we brought a helpless child in to this world to suffer.  We can barely admit it to ourselves, let alone any other living soul.  I know you fathers are the ones holding things together.  Taking the other children to the library so they have some "normal" in their lives.  Getting oil changes.  Managing life so that Moms like me can stay by their child's side.  You are every bit as important as the Mom - believe me, you are.  I just wanted to reach out to who I know, who I can definitely say - yes, I relate to that.  If my husband ever writes a post like this, he can address it to Dads and Dads only.  Keep up the good work Daddies - I know this world would crumble without decent fathers who do the right thing when it is the hard thing.  -






If you can relate to this story, be sure to read
 The Burden of Fear

Primary Occupation? Dad.... and he works outside of the home.

Fathers often get pigeonholed into two categories. I hear/read complaints about men who spend no time in the home, need to "blow off steam" after work and spend weekend after weekend partying.  I also find that fathers who do not fit this bill, who are out pushing babies in strollers or playing at the park, are seen as "forced" to do this.  There is a vast middle ground, often overlooked.  Not all husbands who choose to stay home with their family in their free time are under the thumb of a controlling wife, or "helping" a Mom who just needs a break.  There are many fathers, who play a critical role in their children's lives - who are as much a parent as the Mom, or primary caregiver (please allow for alternate family scenarios here - two mommies, two daddies, one daddy, grandparents, etc).

Spurred by the recent article about how men need two nights out a week with their male friends to be healthy and happy, I (admittedly ironically) need to stand up for my husband and husbands just like him.  Perhaps this article is true for single men, but even for single men - I believe the benefits of joining other men in community service, such as building houses with Habitat for Humanity or working at a food bank or homeless shelter would be more fulfilling and lead to a "richer" life as the article puts it.  You can read the article here:  http://life.nationalpost.com/2013/10/22/men-need-to-meet-up-with-friends-for-a-brew-or-a-brawl-to-stay-healthy-u-k-study/

When our first child was born, my husband didn't freak out, but he also didn't get it.  Yes, he finally understood I was growing a person - someone who needed me to stop smoking, eat properly and take care of myself.  It wasn't just the annoyance of my incredibly sore back, my inability to party like we used to, he was here - a human child who needed love.  My husband took two weeks off of work, 11 days of which were spent in the NICU, and afterwards was back at life.  We were happy, but he still longed for what life was like pre-children. 

We bought a house, a minivan, welcomed 3 foster children into our home, and went from two single carefree people - to two parents of four with a mortgage and heaps of responsibility - all within two years.  We had parties from time to time, with friends from high school, and they were great.  They were so great.  Costumes, food, games, sometimes belt lashings (long story), and we felt young and "free" again.  

When our second child was born, my husband decided to take some of his parental leave.  Our foster children were (are) very high needs and it would have been very difficult to manage a newborn and their behaviour.  I believe this is where the shift happened for him.  What he thought would be three months of leisure, family time, visiting friends out of town, a few rounds of golf, etc. turned out to be incredibly hard work.  I had a c-section with my second child, had some complications afterward, and was off my feet for a while.  

He got it.

At first, all he got was how hard it is to run a well functioning house.  A house where the floors are swept, dishes are done, meals are made from scratch, and kids are happy (and usually dirty - the dirtiest things in the house!)  The first few weeks, he didn't understand how the house could continually transition from disaster to normal over and over again throughout the course of one day.  How laundry that was clean and put away went to unmanageable in a week.  How three bunches of bananas disappear in fifteen minutes.  While I appreciated him seeing firsthand how difficult staying at home can be, I truly cherish what he learned in his heart.

Family is where it's at.

After his 3 months were up, he was heartbroken.  Couldn't believe he had to leave his family and return to something he now felt was so meaningless and empty.  He loved (and still loves) his job.  He feels he's good at it, it challenges him and he loves his co-workers.  It just didn't compare.  The last week or so of his leave, he spent a great amount of time and effort trying to find ways to make money while staying home.  He felt sick to his stomach each time he remembered his time at home was running out.  

He didn't take any trips out of town to see his old buddies.  He played one round of golf.  He didn't have a single night out at a bar, or a pool hall, or to the movies.  He fulfilled none of the things he thought he would in his 3 months, but didn't have a single regret.  He did take long walks in the middle of the night, with our fussy newborn in a sling, to help settle him.  He did do 90% of the dishes to help ease my burden of cooking for so many people.  He did spend special "boys nights" with his sons - watching movies like Star Wars and bonding over sword fights and popcorn.   He spent almost every moment with his family, and still wanted more.  

We have had two more children since the birth of our second son, and his parental leave has grown longer with each child.  He took 8 months for the birth of our daughter, and 9 months for the birth of our last son.  Each time he had to return to work it was the same scene.  Tears and gut wrench at the thought of leaving his family.  

I understand there are more Fathers who can't take leave than can.  Their spouse works as well and only one can take leave, he's a single Dad, he can't afford living on less, etc.  The point of this is not to say that Fathers should take parental leave, or have to spend all their free time outside of work with their family.  The point is, when you love someone - absolutely love them - you want  to spend time with them.  

Spending time doesn't mean walking in the door and opening your laptop.  It doesn't mean reading the paper in the morning (if you're lucky enough to see your kids in the morning).  It doesn't mean watching sports and using your children as beer fetchers.  You're not clocking hours.  You're building relationship. My husband had a head start, he had (has) a Father who walked in the door from work and laid on the floor.  Literally.  He laid on the floor and his kids would jump on him, play with/around him, and inadvertently massage him until dinner.  My hubby does the same; except the kids know they're helping his back when he gets them to walk up it and jump off his shoulders.  

I am a strong woman.  I have a tendency to be a leader.  I, very intentionally, insist on my husband taking the reigns in our family.  We make decisions together, he delegates many things to me, but he is the head of the household.  Because he stays at home in his free time, brings children to the grocery store or library, or helps on laundry day has nothing to do with my personality, my "controlling" him or his position in the household.  He does these things because he loves us, with a fierce intensity, that I am thankful for absolutely every day.  What does he have to show for it?  A wife that would lay down her life for him, who can't wait to rip his clothes off when the kids are in bed (watching your hubby do dishes can do that to a Mommy), and who picks up his socks from the TOP of the laundry hamper and puts them in with 99% no complaining.   He has children who love and adore him, who beg for the next "boys night" and are excited when he's home from work.  Most importantly, he has a family he his HAPPY to come home to, and a truly rich life.

This post has been husband approved

Why you should "date" your children...

Yes.... date your children.

Stay at home, work outside the home - it goes for all parents, date your kids.  Here's my short list why:

For the last 2 years, this little man (5 years old) has insisted on looking like an actual little man.  He wants people to think he's a little person and not a child.  He insists on scarves, tying his hair into a ponytail and of course a moustache.  He usually wears a marker moustache, but I surprised him and splurged on a more realistic looking one.  It made his day.  If someone smiles at him as if he is a child, he slowly blinks and turns away - like a grown man would do to any nuisance.  It's so hard not to laugh but it's important to him and I can't get enough of it so I play along.  

1. They need YOU.  It can feel as though you're always staying ahead of the tornado, and any of the conversations you have with your little ones are while doing something else.  Face to face time, truly listening and making eye contact is hard to do throughout the day - that's why setting time apart is important.   I only get to do this once in a while, and each child in my house gets 3-4 "dates" a year - so this isn't something that can't be worked into a calendar.  Set the date, pick somewhere quiet outside of the home, turn off your phone, and let your kid absolutely have YOU.  No dishes to do, no siblings in the background fighting for attention, no phone calls, nothing to take your attention away from your "date".    

2. You're sowing seeds.  My oldest is only 12, so this next chunk of advice is purely from my own childhood and watching other families (succeed and fail).  Parents expect, and need, a relationship with their older children.  Parents who are trusted are more likely to be told about a school bully, sexual experimentation or abuse, drugs, etc - and parents with a healthy parent/child relationship will probably see these things before they're brought up.  This communication doesn't magically happen between two people, and it is especially not initiated by the child (now a tween/teen).  This is a cultivation of relationship -where the Mom who listened to ridiculous stories about superheroes and boogers, and then girls and things feeling "funny down there", is a trusted person to hear the big stuff like friends shoplifting and an inappropriate Uncle.  I know it's hard to look at a 3yr old and think - I'd better get this relationship headed in the right direction.  We are so busy making meals, running errands, wiping bums - but that 3 year old becomes a not-3-year-old so quickly and building the relationship becomes more difficult the longer you wait.  

3. Activities are not included.  Soccer practice, karate, dance, etc. are not one on one time with a parent.  Most families play this scene on their way to an activity.... hurry up and get out the door before I explode, don't talk I'm concentrating on speeding to whatever we're late for, and phew... go do whatever activity I'm paying a fortune for you to complain about attending.  There are variations as always, but most outings look that way for a lot of families (even really nice families that don't fight during this process but it's the same process nonetheless).  I'm not saying being involved in programs, sports, and leisure activities aren't important or good - I'm just saying it doesn't count.  

4. You'll love it.  Having more than one child means I can't lavish attention on everyone all the time.  I spend no time watching tv while they are awake, spend very little time on the computer or phone (no games) during the day (you have to watch yourself or it gets addictive), and use the majority of my time cleaning, prepping meals, teaching, playing, cleaning, breaking up fights, wiping bums, setting up crafts, cleaning, and - listening.    Even with all the time I allow for them, the time I carve out just isn't enough.  Some kids are more needy than others and want to talk to me all day long - explaining every thought in their head at great length, and some aren't.  They all need the same one on one time.  The point is, I hate feeling rushed - having to stop someone's story because another someone is crying, asking people to get out from under my feet so I can get dinner on the table,  hopelessly shushing everyone because someone was brave/dumb enough to call me.  I hate the feeling of not enough time as much as I love the feeling I get when I sit down with a child and say.... ok baby, talk my ear off. 

All my dates have been in coffee houses.  The kids order steamers - hot milk with a flavour shot that they think is awesome.  We scour the games bucket before we leave and fill my purse with their favourite games.  Checkers, cards, my last date asked me to bring the photo album of when he was a baby so we could look at it.  I know I said no activities, but having a game like tic tac toe can ease the child in to real conversation when needed.  It really is nice to spend time with the little person you are raising.  Our children are NOT accessories.  They don't fill a quota in our lives, they aren't meant to look cute and impress our friends with their hilarious antics (total bonus if that's what happens) - they are people who are learning how to behave, love and be in relationships - so enjoy your time with them while they adore you and are so willing to learn.  

*I've actually had to have a few dates in the house, turning it into a coffee shop.  If it's an older child's turn and my husband's work schedule is too hectic I let that child stay up late after the others are tucked in, and we replicate the coffee house at home*

5. Teaching moments.  The moment to teach someone how to behave is not when they are in trouble for behaving poorly - it's from watching you do it properly in everyday life.  Practice love and respect in the home every day, correcting small hiccups as they come along.  The dates top it off, teaching your little ones that you share time (not money and gifts) to show love.  It also builds up their self esteem and their expectations of relationships.  If you want your daughters to respect themselves and have a high standard when making friends or looking for a partner - be that example.  Date your daughter.  Show her that what she has to say is important and worth being listened to.  That she is smart, funny, capable, and worthy of friendship.  Date your sons.  Let them be goofy, and sensitive without the social pressures to be cool and tough.  Show them that real men are strong enough to support those around them with kindness, empathy and selflessness.  

The moustache man loves when I dress up for the date.  Normally I wouldn't wear my Downton Abbey hat out for coffee, but it makes him feel really important when I get dressed up and make an effort for our date.  

In conclusion: Most parents love their kids.  Most parents want their children to grow up to be people they can be proud of - smart, compassionate, functioning adults.  Whether or not you date your children, find the time to cultivate the good qualities you want to see in them.  Despite unprecedented access to information, entertainment and freedom - our young people still need us, desperately.  Make human connection the bulk of their lives, and let the other stuff be that - other stuff, not the focus.